A comment Pastor Craig Hofer of Fort Gatlin Alliance Church in Orlando, Florida made to my husband during the early days of his hospital stay was this:  You have to check your dignity at the door when you go into the hospital.  My husband returned home Friday after seven weeks in the hospital.  He was bedfast most of that seven week period and, I must say, the hospital staff did their best to preserve his dignity in situations that no one should have to experience, both in the bathroom and out.  Many sweet-hearted people served him (and me) with the greatest of mercy and protection.  They offered the love that Paul told us about.  We thank God for each of them.

In my husband’s difficult journey through a collapsed lung, treatment, surgery and recovery, I have learned much about nursing.  Many nurses insisted I should be on their payroll and I bristled each time I heard that.  I’ve seen their job and I don’t want it, although my respect for their profession is greater than ever.  As it is in our situation, however, I have provided nursing care for my husband through this very difficult and often embarrassing time.  It is my constant prayer that I serve him while protecting his dignity.  Some of the things we’ve had to do together have certainly given us new levels of appreciation for all that God has given us, in body, finances, helpers, and love.  And we know that the greatest of these is love.

One thing surfaces repeatedly throughout this difficult time:  the more we love God, the more we joyously desire to serve our fellow man, whether in good times or bad, when richer or poorer, and in sickness or in health.  When my love for Him is nurtured and growing, I count it all joy to serve, regardless of the task.  Many times my husband has expressed his great sadness that I have to care for him in some of the ways that I do.  What irony!  I feel the exact opposite.  What a privilege it is to serve my husband, considering the amazing service and sacrifice God gave to me: mercy, grace, and His Son’s life!  Surely my cup runneth over! 

As my husband and I go forward from here, may our lives count for the Kingdom of God.  May His will be done in and through us.  May He grant that we love Him more and more.  May His joy be our delight.  May we serve Him and others with a First Corinthian 13 kind of love.  In His name, Amen.

My friend said after living on her own for a long time and then with other people, she has observed that she often fails to view life from other people’s perspectives and to think in terms of others’ needs or desires. Her single life, for example, made no demands on her to let someone know she had left and arrived somewhere safely or to ask whether others needed something or wanted anything.  She also said she often fails to anticipate the need to perform household tasks or for her to subordinate her own thoughts and feelings to someone else’s in order to simply bless them or to see to their well-being.  Marriage does indeed grind off some of the very pointy edges we develop in the jagged corners of our family of origin or in life on this earth in general.  In the nearly twenty-seven years of marriage between my husband and me, I confess readily that both of us have certainly had some heavy grit sandpaper taken to our hides!  I also confess that nothing has changed me more painfully nor more profitably than my marriage relationship.

Left to ourselves, we seem to have a tendency toward tunnel vision.  I look into situations and circumstances only from one perspective: my own, and I often see a mirror image of myself at the end of the tunnel because my interests are the ones I’m primarily interested in.  What I see and how I react to it depends in great part upon what I’ve seen and how I’ve reacted in the past.  Most of these visions and reactions have been learned through experiences.  Not all of them are good experiences but even the good ones stand an even chance of warping my character beyond recognition as compared to its original design.  The bad experiences, left unattended and open-ended, leave me with worn-out strategies that often wreak havoc in my life and others’ lives.  How is all this like the church?  Well, let’s see.

God created the church as Christ’s “bride”, His marriage partner, His help-meet.  When a member of the body of Christ lives and acts alone, he/she becomes separated from the original design as God describes it throughout the New Testament.  We develop tunnel vision and often seek to serve only our own interests, or at the most our loved ones’ interests.  This is absolutely opposed to how God designed the church.  In Matthew 22:36-40, Jesus tells the Pharisees that the greatest commandment is to love God with all their hearts, souls and minds.  But he doesn’t stop there.  He continues, saying the second most important command is like the first, to love their neighbor as themselves.  Then Jesus makes a profound statement:  ”All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”  (NIV)

When I live apart from others and serve no one outside myself or my loved ones, God’s intent for me, His original design for me is perverted.  God is no longer my God.  I am my own god.  Having a god aside from the One and Only True God is idolatry.  When, on the other hand, even as a single person, with intent and committed determination, come together intimately and regularly with others who begin to look deeply into my life and are able to help grind away those pointy edges, yes, it hurts like crazy!  But oh how sublime the smooth, polished stone that lies underneath, waiting to be tucked into a slingshot and launched with precision and force directly to a target somewhere between the eyes of the enemy!  

Most of us have been deeply hurt by someone if we’ve lived long enough to learn our ABC’s and our multiplication tables.  If we’ve lived longer than that, we’ve likely been traumatized in one way or another so we pull our heads into our shells and crawl along on bowed legs, hoping and praying that no one will come in and pry us out of our dark, seemingly comfortable hole.  So we die slowly, achingly, longing to have our lives count for something, for anything good; to know that anything that we are or have could possibly touch another’s life in some meaningful way.  We long to know that the original design for our souls is in tact and actively blessing the heart of our Designer.  So what must we do?  Don’t run away.  

When painful relationships bear down upon you and tear at your heart, let your Designer brace your heart and set your face like flint in the direction of finding out why it hurts so much and how to live through it, not go around it or run.  For God’s desire is not that we run, but that we change!  We are not doormats or punching bags for others, but we are lovers of God and lovers of others.  It is not in the church house or even in the Bible that we mature spiritually.  We can spend a lifetime in both and never grow!  It is in the presence of others, in committed, courageous relationship that we mature!  

What relationships in your life are grinding down your pointy edges?  Do they need to change?  Or do you need to change so that the relationship changes?  Don’t run away!  How do you get help?  Ask your Designer!  He will guide you and give you wisdom and discernment.  If you need the help of elders or professionals, ask your Designer to provide you divine connections.  He has designed a plan for you.  He’s just waiting for you to ask!  Then be willing and determined!  He is faithful.  Believe God!

My husband has been hospitalized for nearly five weeks now and part of his lung was removed to repair a hole in it.  His recovery has been nothing short of miraculous.  As doctors’ fears surfaced, so did the power of Christ.  When surgeons were saying he may not come off a ventilator, less than 17 hours after surgery they removed the tube and he’s been breathing on his own since.  As days pass, so do some of the concerns we all had prior to the operation.  But before the surgery, when we were being squeezed, well, that was different.

Where I grew up there were no streetlights because there were no streets.  We lived several miles up a dirt road where the only night light was whatever illumination heaven provided.  On nights of clear skies a full moon and millions of stars made midnight nearly as light as dusk.  On cloudy nights though, I couldn’t see my hand in front of my face.  The darkness became a thick and heavy blanket covering the earth.  It was as if I couldn’t breathe in it, even though I knew that wasn’t the case.  Utterly blinded, my senses of touch, smell and sound became my navigation tools.  Sometimes my imagination exploded as a sudden noise jumped out at me, or I brushed against something unfamiliar.  My mind conjured up all sorts of enemies or ambushes and fear gripped me.  I would push through, not from courage but from terror, from both fright and flight.  My ultimate motive was to escape the darkness, and everything that lurked within it, waiting to get me.

Before Chuck’s surgery, we had four weeks to sit (and try to sleep) in a hospital room and think.  We tried to anticipate what might be out in the darkness ahead of us, sometimes in order to make decisions about his treatment and other times, well, we just did it.  We would allow our minds to venture over and over again into the future, where the darkness blanketed our understanding and our stability, paralyzing us.  At times it seemed my mind would just go out there on its own, perhaps to escape the present moment of suffering or fear, as if something better or more promising or even comforting lay beyond the present moment and I could just reach into the next day or week and pull it back to now.  But fear would creep in and attack me on those journeys and the darkness there was the stage for my imagination to once again run amok.  I would see terrifying possibilities and the comfort I reached for often morphed into nightmares lurking in the dense, sinister unknown.  When I was squeezed, fear came out.  And then… the Word of the Lord that I had hidden in my heart returned to my mind, again and again.

I am the head and not the tail.  In Christ I’m more than a conquerer.  What good work He began in me, He will finish.  I am called according to His purpose and therefore all things, all things, are working together for my good.  If He is for me, who can be against me?  Christ died for me, even while I was a sinner.  God loves me.  He provides for me, protects me and profits me.  Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for He is with me.  His rod and His staff comfort me.  He is my Father in heaven and is name is sacred, may His kingdom come and His will be done on earth as it is in heaven.  I will rejoice in all things.  I have the joy of my salvation.  I have the joy of my husband’s salvation.  I have peace that passes understanding for it comes from God alone through Christ.  Regardless of what my circumstances look like, when brought out of darkness into the Son Light, it becomes clear and illuminated.  I shall not fall but mount up on wings of eagles.  I shall not faint.  I shall overcome.  There is a heavenly purpose for suffering and sorrow.  I will serve the Lord my God forever.  

The darkness is changed forever by the light.  Nothing in the darkness looks the same in the light.  Whatever your circumstance, return to the Light of the Word and see what God says about it.  What is the Truth about suffering?  What does God say about sorrow?  Turn to the One who is the Deliverer.  He is able to do abundantly above and beyond anything we could ever hope or dream of.  Regardless of circumstances, the Light illuminates the darkness.  When you are squeezed, what comes out?  Is it light or darkness?  May it be light.

Would you talk about the pain and sorrow?  Would you speak of regrets or any anger held?  Would you spend time reading the Bible together?  Maybe some other favorite writing?  Watch a favorite movie together again?  If you held hands and looked into someone’s eyes in the last days or moments, what would your heart’s cry be?  Would you push through pain to make amends or set things right, let things go, clean things up, or be tender in ways you’ve never been?  Would it be “shoulda, coulda, woulda” or “Thank God we have been and done what we “shoulda, coulda, woulda”?  

Once again our families have been given the precious opportunities to express our hearts’ cries.  As I watch my husband struggle for breath and tire out upon standing or walking a few feet, my heart goes out to him, desiring that he not suffer.  My prayers are filled with petitions for mercy.  My soul longs for the story to change.  Surgery for his condition might change his current circumstance but most likely, according to surgeons, will present new dilemmas.  We face the possibilities reluctantly.  Yet morning melts into afternoon, afternoon fades to night, and dawn comes once more.  Another day passes and pulls us closer to destiny, closer to eternity.

We who believe in Christ now live in eternity with Him.  The moment we believed, our spirits became one with His and we now live eternally in His presence.  Our only separation between now and heaven is a transition.  That reality affects the answers to all our questions regarding life and death, not only about ourselves but about those we love.  

New questions arise:  Have I lived my life so that my “investments” have been made into the Kingdom of God or into my own or someone else’s kingdom?  Has my love for others opened paths to Christ for them, or have they been stumbling blocks along their ways?  Have my motives and deeds been uplifting and encouraging to another, or have I disregarded others as a means to avoid my own suffering?  

It appears that all of us live in our own kingdoms to one extent or another, in one time or way or another.  Such is the battle with the natural spirit within us, always self-centered yet yearning for God.  For many years I was a stumbling block in my husband’s path, a discouragement, a source of bitterness and anger.  Adding insult to injury, I blamed him for much of my behavior.  But God’s desire was that my heart be changed, that my mind be renewed, and that my life reflect the mercy and love He showed me.  He began to convict me.  He began to direct me to love my husband with mercy and grace, the way He loved me.  My husband contributed also to our difficult path, but as we both surrendered the reigns to Christ and my husband began to allow Christ to love him, we began to heal.

Now twenty-six years have passed and we rejoice in surrender: the giving back to God what was rightfully His in the first place.  For in surrender we find that ultimate freedom:  If He is for me, who can be against me?  I am free to love in adversity and strife, free to choose to keep quiet or to speak when God directs my words, and free to celebrate the victories.  No longer am I enslaved to the past or the present, or even the future.  I am truly and eternally free.  And so is my husband.

If you are struggling in relationships, what is God saying to you?  If your heart is broken, surrender it.  If your deepest longings are for peace and love to rule your life, then believe God.  Discover the ways He has set out for you in His Word.  Pick it up and begin reading, perhaps the book of John.  Read, or reread, the accounts of Jesus’ behavior and His instructions in the other three gospels, Matthew, Mark, and Luke.  Before you read, pray.  Ask God to speak to your heart from His Word and to guide you, heal you, heal your relationships, in whatever way necessary.  He is faithful.  Believe God.

 I stood for a time this morning in front of a window overlooking rooftops of adjoining sections of the hospital where my husband is now living, at least for now.  It occurs to me that this is yet another place, both real and proverbial, that we never thought we’d be.  

As I looked across the satellite dishes, fans, and other gadgets attached to the flat, graveled roofs, I noted the crosses erected on most of the upright structures.  The reminder of Christ’s presence in the middle of our suffering was soothing.  Then the concerns of the moment returned and I was in the present again, still looking at the crosses.

What constitutes “enough faith” for healing?  Some say if we have enough faith, especially sufficient faith to “receive our healing” then we will certainly be healed.  The insinuation is that if our bodies are not healed after we pray, that we must not have enough faith.  

In Chapter one of Job, we read about a conversation to which Job was not privy.  God and Satan discussed Job.  Perhaps more importantly, God pointed Job out to Satan and literally offered Job up to him.  Once we read through the entire book of Job, we realize that God offered Job to Satan in order that He could give Satan permission to cause Job great destruction and suffering.  God only denied Satan the power to kill Job.  Why did God do this?  ”Poor Job,” we might say, and “Why did God intend that Job suffer?”

Then we learn that God’s intent all along was not that Job suffer needlessly but that God would be shown to be the faithful and sovereign God of those who love Him.  God gave Job the faith Job needed to bear the suffering, not for or against Job, but for God.  Consider this:  how many souls has Job’s story (specifically his suffering–provoked by God) encouraged and strengthen, for God?  Is Job’s story not encouraging you, now?

When all else fails, read the directions.  For the believer, the directions are written in the Bible.  Somewhere in the Scriptures, inspired by the Holy Spirit yet written by man, are the directions for the believers’ life.  So in times of failure, whether in our bodies, our minds, our hearts, and yes–even our faith, we turn to the Directions.  God’s direction in these circumstances are to offer them back to Him so that He may build our and others’ faith, encourage a brother or sister, allow others to truly love and serve us, and praise Him for the circumstance that brings these opportunities.  He is faithful.  Believe God.  And Lord, help our unbelief.

As I begin writing today, I bring first the latest news of my husband’s health.  Chuck was diagnosed with severe emphysema about 12 years ago and was diagnosed with esophageal and stomach cancer a year ago in August 2007.  I’ve been sending out updates on his health via email and I hope to convert those writings to this blog.  

This past week, without question, was the most difficult week of Chuck’s life, and therefore the hardest week I’ve ever had, too.  Last Tuesday morning Chuck woke up with severe pain in his upper left chest area, a head full of congestion that was causing his nose to pour and was unable to breathe without the assistance of his Bipaps unit, which is a pump with oxygen attached to a mask that keeps him breathing at night.  This unit was prescribed several years ago when he was diagnosed with severe apnea.

When Chuck tried to take the mask off, he was unable to breathe without it, but he was struggling to clear his head of the drainage at the same time.  For quite some time that morning, he thought he was going to die.  We spent that day and the following day caring for him and praying.  

Hospice came on Wednesday and the nurse and social worker spent most of the day with Chuck.  The nurse assessed his condition and obtained some medications from the doctor and the social worker spent some profitable time with us going over where we are with Chuck’s health and where we’re headed.  We talked about many end-of-life issues and also about serious decisions and planning concerning the suffering of suffocation.  

They delivered a hospital bed that day to offer Chuck the ability to incline while trying to sleep because his chest hurt horribly when he tried to lie flat and he had slept in a recliner the night before.  What a strange sight in our living room!  I would walk through the living room and wonder how that thing got there.  Chuck was unable Tuesday and most of Wednesday to walk much farther than from one room to the next and most of the time was barely able to just sit and breathe.  He struggled so very badly.

It was not an event we anticipated we’d have to face at this time.  It came with no notice and it brought Chuck to do and say some things he needed to do and say.  He emailed his sons and said some things he wanted to say.  He tracked down and called an old friend from his past and apologized for something that happened years ago.  He spoke with me about details we hadn’t faced yet.  He contacted his daughter and siblings.  He had begun to prepare himself and others for his death.

But God had other plans.  We don’t know why his breathing took such a drastic turn nor why his chest hurt so badly.  Over the next two days his breathing eased and so did the pain.  On Friday he was scheduled for a chemo treatment but was unable to leave the house.  The chemo nurse scheduled him to see the oncologist on Tuesday of this week to determine whether he should continue with the chemo, take a break from it, or stop it altogether.  

By the time Tuesday came along, his breathing was much improved.  He and the doctor agreed that he should try another round of chemo and then take about 10 days off, then resume his previous schedule of another 3 weekly treatments.  He received the treatment Tuesday and that afternoon was breathing much better.  Wednesday and Thursday have also been good breathing days for him.  We remembered that when he took chemo initially last fall that each treatment did seem to ease his breathing.  

So for whatever reason, Chuck is doing much better than last week and we are so thankful!

Chuck’s oldest son, Ryan, came for the weekend and spent time with his dad which also lifted his spirits.  They enjoyed time together, talking, laughing and just being together.  What a blessing.  His youngest son, Chad, plans to come this week and his 2 sisters are planning a weekend trip August 15th.  So we will be blessed yet again with the company of loved ones.  

Please accept our thanks for prayers, cards, emails, visits, and words of encouragement and hope.  A special thanks goes out to those who have served us in so many ways and continue to do so.  We also appreciate all of you who want to serve but for many reasons cannot right now.  We are in that place with others as well sometimes.  

God did give me an opportunity to speak to others about His faithfulness, His love, and His mercy last Saturday.  I visited with a great group of women who tutor students in a Christian home school program.  They were such a blessing to me and I’m very grateful for the opportunity to minister to them.  Please pray for them as they, like many of you, begin to gear up for school to start.

Please also pray for other opportunities I have for speaking engagements and those not yet known.  Pray that God would use our circumstances to show Himself to others as our great God of provision and strength.  Pray that I would be faithful in delivering the Word of God appropriately and effectively, to the glory of God and that I would deliver it with the attitude of Christ.  Please continue to pray for Chuck’s healing and for my strength and joy.

Thank you again.  I continue to pray for you as well.  

Ann Georgi, Believing God; Privileged to Serve Jesus Christ