I had a discussion not long ago with a friend who is single and who is a guest in an older couple’s home. She intimated that she is realizing that her experience as a life-long single woman has likely kept her from growing in ways that she feels she might have otherwise had she been married. Our discussion sparked a conversation that gave me a new perspective on not only my own spiritual growth, but also on the spiritual growth of the church in general.
My friend said after living on her own for a long time and then with other people, she has observed that she often fails to view life from other people’s perspectives and to think in terms of others’ needs or desires. Her single life, for example, made no demands on her to let someone know she had left and arrived somewhere safely or to ask whether others needed something or wanted anything. She also said she often fails to anticipate the need to perform household tasks or for her to subordinate her own thoughts and feelings to someone else’s in order to simply bless them or to see to their well-being. Marriage does indeed grind off some of the very pointy edges we develop in the jagged corners of our family of origin or in life on this earth in general. In the nearly twenty-seven years of marriage between my husband and me, I confess readily that both of us have certainly had some heavy grit sandpaper taken to our hides! I also confess that nothing has changed me more painfully nor more profitably than my marriage relationship.
Left to ourselves, we seem to have a tendency toward tunnel vision. I look into situations and circumstances only from one perspective: my own, and I often see a mirror image of myself at the end of the tunnel because my interests are the ones I’m primarily interested in. What I see and how I react to it depends in great part upon what I’ve seen and how I’ve reacted in the past. Most of these visions and reactions have been learned through experiences. Not all of them are good experiences but even the good ones stand an even chance of warping my character beyond recognition as compared to its original design. The bad experiences, left unattended and open-ended, leave me with worn-out strategies that often wreak havoc in my life and others’ lives. How is all this like the church? Well, let’s see.
God created the church as Christ’s “bride”, His marriage partner, His help-meet. When a member of the body of Christ lives and acts alone, he/she becomes separated from the original design as God describes it throughout the New Testament. We develop tunnel vision and often seek to serve only our own interests, or at the most our loved ones’ interests. This is absolutely opposed to how God designed the church. In Matthew 22:36-40, Jesus tells the Pharisees that the greatest commandment is to love God with all their hearts, souls and minds. But he doesn’t stop there. He continues, saying the second most important command is like the first, to love their neighbor as themselves. Then Jesus makes a profound statement: ”All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (NIV)
When I live apart from others and serve no one outside myself or my loved ones, God’s intent for me, His original design for me is perverted. God is no longer my God. I am my own god. Having a god aside from the One and Only True God is idolatry. When, on the other hand, even as a single person, with intent and committed determination, come together intimately and regularly with others who begin to look deeply into my life and are able to help grind away those pointy edges, yes, it hurts like crazy! But oh how sublime the smooth, polished stone that lies underneath, waiting to be tucked into a slingshot and launched with precision and force directly to a target somewhere between the eyes of the enemy!
Most of us have been deeply hurt by someone if we’ve lived long enough to learn our ABC’s and our multiplication tables. If we’ve lived longer than that, we’ve likely been traumatized in one way or another so we pull our heads into our shells and crawl along on bowed legs, hoping and praying that no one will come in and pry us out of our dark, seemingly comfortable hole. So we die slowly, achingly, longing to have our lives count for something, for anything good; to know that anything that we are or have could possibly touch another’s life in some meaningful way. We long to know that the original design for our souls is in tact and actively blessing the heart of our Designer. So what must we do? Don’t run away.
When painful relationships bear down upon you and tear at your heart, let your Designer brace your heart and set your face like flint in the direction of finding out why it hurts so much and how to live through it, not go around it or run. For God’s desire is not that we run, but that we change! We are not doormats or punching bags for others, but we are lovers of God and lovers of others. It is not in the church house or even in the Bible that we mature spiritually. We can spend a lifetime in both and never grow! It is in the presence of others, in committed, courageous relationship that we mature!
What relationships in your life are grinding down your pointy edges? Do they need to change? Or do you need to change so that the relationship changes? Don’t run away! How do you get help? Ask your Designer! He will guide you and give you wisdom and discernment. If you need the help of elders or professionals, ask your Designer to provide you divine connections. He has designed a plan for you. He’s just waiting for you to ask! Then be willing and determined! He is faithful. Believe God!